A very sensible woman

The Daily Mash ran another article about [people like] me:

A WOMAN carefully plans every car journey she makes around not having to do any right-hand turns. Emma Bradford also has a wide range of other non-negotiable driving policies including not going anywhere she might have to parallel park, avoiding the motorway and not driving in the dark.

Bradford’s husband Nathan said: “First it was not driving in heavy rain. Then it was avoiding any towns in rush hour. Now she won’t go anywhere if she can’t evaluate the size of the car park on Google Maps first. Basically, if she can only turn left the whole way, never have to reverse, not have to do a hill start and be guaranteed a space with no other vehicles parked within ten metres, she’s totally fine.”

That pretty much sums up my policies, apart from not using the motorway (they are easy and fun) or hill starts (no fun, but easy enough). Why is that deserving of satire?

Daily Mash out-pedants itself

From The Daily Mash:

3am in the morning

‘AM’ means ‘in the morning’, cockwad. Saying them both is like asking ‘would you like some gravy meat sauce on that chop’ or ‘are you seriously smoking a cannabis drugs spliff before work?’ For f**k’s sake just choose one.

Agreed. But they overlook the next iteration:

Could you pop in your pin number for me?

Who else would I be doing it for? I’m the only person in the shop, my card is in the machine, I’m talking to you and only you. Save your breath.

It's not "PIN number". It's "PIN". The "N" in "PIN" stands for "number". That's the crime here, the rest of the sentence, while largely superfluous, is just general politeness and friendliness. In some places, they just point vaguely in the direction of the card reader.

Ah well, it is what it is, just saying etc.

Daily Mash on top form

For f**k’s sake don’t solve the housing crisis, say selfish bastards:

...Hobbs added: “I’ve written to my MP demanding he oppose anything which might help solve this crisis. “Luckily he’s a greedy, parasitic bastard with a massive property portfolio so he totally agrees with me.”

The Daily Mash on top form

GOVERNMENT plans for more rented housing have been welcomed by renters who like paying other people’s mortgages.