Why are only satirists asking the obvious question?

From Newsthump:

Met Police Chief Cressida Dick... told reporters, “The Met Police do not like to admit defeat in solving crimes, but in this case, we’ve had too little to go on, so we have had no choice to look for outside help.

“There are so few clues that we just don’t know where to start. Whether it’s with the repeated public admissions of guilt from politicians and civil servants, the questioning of those who resigned over the breaches or to start by talking to the eye witnesses who just happen to be policemen who work for us. How is anyone supposed to solve a crime like this?"

From The Daily Mash:

The investigation into a number of thoroughly documented illegal gatherings that attendees are on record as attending is not expected to be challenging, especially once direct testimony is taken from the police officers who saw it all.

Nathan Muir of Hebden Bridge said: “Call me Columbo, but I’d begin there. Check the records, find out who was on duty, haul them to the interrogation room and get a full list of all parties they saw, heard or inadvertently attended. It doesn’t have to be Line of Duty. They’ll probably just tell you.

“They’ll definitely have noticed wheeled suitcases full of wine, because they’re sharp-eyed police, and there’ll definitely be full records of who was where when because it’s the seat of government."

They (want to) own land! Give them money!

From the BBC:

... Boris Johnson has promised low-deposit mortgages to help young people get onto the housing ladder.

In an interview with the Daily Telegraph ahead of his party's four-day conference, the prime minister said he had asked ministers to work up plans for encouraging long-term fixed-rate mortgages with 5% deposits.

"We need mortgages that will help people really get on the housing ladder even if they have only a very small amount to pay by way of deposit, the 95% mortgages," he said. "I think it could be absolutely revolutionary, particularly for young people."

Haven't we been doing this for decades - ramped up with Help To Buy - and simply seen house prices increase to soak up the extra borrowing?

"inept and peevish behaviour leaves [our] reputation for honest dealing with our EU partners hanging by a thread"

Our PM is getting the usual grief from the usual self-publicists for not signing that letter to the EU.

This episode was either childish and stupid or hilariously funny, depending on your point of view, and I think it was both (like shouting "Fuck!" in the middle of a school assembly).

But let's not forget that our PMs have a history of such stunts; complying with the letter not the spirit of the law to convey their utter disregard for the whole thing. From Wiki:

Absence of Gordon Brown

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was the only national representative who was planned to sign the [Lisbon] Treaty in the ceremony but did not take part, leaving Foreign Secretary David Miliband to sign the Treaty alone. Instead, he signed the document at a lunch for heads of state and government later the same day. A requirement to appear before a committee of British MPs was cited as the reason for his absence.

This brought criticism from opposition parties. The Conservatives claimed it made him appear “gutless” and referred to it as a "stunt” which proved Brown was "not very good at international diplomacy". The Liberal Democrats claimed it raised "serious questions" and Chris Huhne said showed "inept and peevish behaviour that leaves Gordon Brown's reputation for honest dealing with our EU partners hanging by a thread".

Parts of British media also criticised Brown for this, suggesting he did it because he was ashamed to sign the Treaty, with Nick Robinson, BBC Political Editor, claiming that Brown was capable of attending the signing but instead chose not to.

I thought fair play when Brown did it, so fair play to Johnson as well, you've got to be even-handed.

Ireland 1: England 0

My heart soared with pride when our PM Mrs T May donned her highest high heels and towered over that French bloke:



In last week's round, Ireland fielded the winning candidate. Is Varadkar surprisingly tall or is Johnson a short-arse? Either way, well played Ireland, a well deserved victory!

Philip Hammond - attention to detail FAIL

From The Independent:

Philip Hammond has launched a scathing attack on Boris Johnson, saying he does not expect the former foreign secretary to become prime minister...

He went on to suggest Mr Johnson could not do “grown-up politics”, adding that he had ”no grasp of detail” on complex subjects like Brexit.

The former London’s mayor’s greatest achievement to date had been introducing the “Boris Bike” cycle scheme in the capital, Mr Hammond said.

Those with longer memories and/or who pay attention to detail know that pay-per-use bikes were already available, albeit on a smaller scale, several months before Boris Johnson became Mayor of London. See here or here.

A painted Boris Johnson is right twice a day

From the Daily Mail:

Under the [customs] partnership, officials would track shipments into the UK and collect tariffs for Brussels on goods ending up in the EU. Mr Johnson said this would simply lead to more red tape.

"It’s totally untried and would make it very, very difficult to do free trade deals," he added, "If you have the new customs partnership, you have a crazy system whereby you end up collecting the tariffs on behalf of the EU at the UK frontier.

"If the EU decides to impose punitive tariffs on something the UK wants to bring in cheaply there’s nothing you can do...

"That’s not taking back control of your trade policy, it’s not taking back control of your laws, it’s not taking back control of your borders and it’s actually not taking back control of your money either, because tariffs would get paid centrally back to Brussels."

If you think about it, it is indeed a really stupid idea that will make things more complicated, not simpler. As he says, if the EU wants to tax imports, that's for them to sort out. And in turn, we can set our own tariffs (preferably at zero, but that's another debate) on things we import.

In any event, EU member states and the UK, like most countries, have the concept of customs-free transit. So if goods from Country X are taken off the boat here and put straight onto another boat to Country Y, they are not subject to any UK tariffs and Country Y just treats those goods as if they had arrived directly from country X. Which would sort out most of the perceived problem.

Fun Online Polls: Government guidelines for physical activity & Imposing sanctions on Russia

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

Do you achieve the government's guidelines for physical activity every week? Multiple answers allowed.

As it happens I do, I like to keep fit - 20 votes
Yes, I take government guidelines very seriously - 0 votes
Don't know, don't care - 38 votes
No, probably not - 16 votes
No, certainly not - 8 votes
None of their business - 52 votes
Kraft durch Freude! - 4 votes
Other, please specify - 1 vote

Which is, reassuringly, pretty much what I expected. Thanks to all 102 who took part.
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Daft idea of the week was floated by Boris Johnson at a G7 meeting:

Boris Johnson has failed to secure the backing of the G7 nations for swift sanctions against Russia and Syria, leaving the US-UK plan to pressurise Vladimir Putin in tatters.

Germany and Italy vetoed the idea of targeting Russian and Syrian military leaders until an investigation has been carried out into who was to blame for last week’s nerve gas attack in Idlib province.

I think the link between Russia, Assad and the actual nerve gas attack is far too tenuous to justify sanctions, even if there was any chance of them 'working' i.e. persuading Putin to change his mind (which appear to be zero).

Which reminds me, the EU imposed limited sanctions on Russia because of the Ukraine/Crimea annexation thing three years ago and what difference has that made? These were recently extended by another six months without anybody even noticing.

So that's this week's Fun Online Poll: "Should the G7 impose further sanctions on Russia because of Assad's nerve gas attack in Syria?"

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

Fun Online Polls: Boris Johnson, Saudi Arabia & Migrants in Germany

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

UK Foreign Secretary criticised Saudi Arabia for starting proxy wars in the Middle East…

This is a terrible breach of diplomatic convention and he is endangering our weapons exports to a valued regional ally - 2%
Well said, that man! - 32%
He should have gone a lot further and mentioned their human rights abuses - 62%
Other, please specify - 4%

Top comment Pensieve: It's about time that someone told the Saudis we know what they're doing (even if we are beholden to them for a lot of our oil). Well done, Boris. PS I ride a bike and use a woodburning boiler for heating, so stuff your oil!

Good, I was with the majority on that one, thanks to everybody who took part, a good turnout with 99 votes.
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This week's Fun Online Poll:

What percentage of the 1.2 million Arabs who arrived in Germany in the last two years are in gainful employment?

Enter your guess HERE or use the widget in the sidebar.

Once you've entered your guess, you can check your answer here. The paragraph starting "On the bright side" is rather ironic, methinks.

Fun Online Polls: Whose responsibility is integration & Boris Johnson's comments on the Saudis

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

Whose responsibility is 'integration'?

Immigrants - 99%
Citizens of their chosen host country - 1%

A good turnout with 97 votes, thanks to everybody who took part, and not much more to say on that.

Top comment: H: The correct answer is no one's. It is certainly not mine, and it is only yours if you chose to assume such a responsibility. But you don't offer this as a possible answer… Why are we so worked up anyway? Everyone seems to think it's sweet that there are Welsh people in Patagonia still speaking Welsh, or funny that Brits in Saudi get bladdered in their compounds. The problem, I am guessing, with muslims is that some actively promote an alien ideology.

Fair points (except the Welsh in Patagonia, they have been there as long as Spanish speakers). Of course, there are degrees of this. IMHO, as long as people don't actively seek to overturn/completely ignore whatever traditions and systems are in place in their chosen host country or demand special treatment, then I'm not that fussed. I certainly wouldn't expect them all to start playing cricket and doing Morris dancing.
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From The Guardian:

A defiant Boris Johnson told friends he had no intention of apologising for his outspoken comments about Saudi Arabia during a trip to the Gulf and hit out at party critics who said he might be better suited to another job in government.

The foreign secretary delivered a carefully crafted speech in Bahrain on Friday evening, playing up the economic and strategic links between London and the Gulf States, while allies said he would be “open, honest and moral in his approach” regarding political issues in the region.

On Thursday, Johnson was rebuked by Downing Street after it emerged he had accused Saudi Arabia of being among countries engaged in fighting “proxy wars” in the Middle East, breaking the Foreign Office’s convention of not criticising a key UK ally in the region.

Johnson seems to go round saying stuff at random, most of it rubbish but inevitably he hits the nail on the head every now and then.

So that's this week's Fun Online Poll - what do you think?

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

They (want to) own land - give them money!

From City AM:

A SCHEME that allows people renting property to take out an interest-free loan from their employer for their deposit is to be rolled out across the UK after launching in London last year.

The scheme, which will work like the season ticket loan, already in place to help commuters pay for their travel costs, was launched by London Mayor Boris Johnson with charity Shelter yesterday. The Co-operative Group will be the first employer to offer it to its 70,000-plus employees.

a) Those deposits will be leveraged up with commensurately larger mortgages.

b) The worker who takes that first sweet taste of Home-Owner-Ism will henceforth be beholden to his boss.

"Sir, how about a pay rise to help me pay off my mortgage?"

"Hmm, interesting... how about I don't call in that £10,000 interest-free loan?"

Boris, you spendthrift twat, here's how it should be done.

From snipelondon/scoop:

Just four regular commuters are now using the Emirates Air Line cable car between Greenwich Peninsula and the Royal Docks, down from 16 last autumn, new figures released to The Scoop reveal.

Only four Oyster card holders used mayor Boris Johnson’s £60m link more than five times in the week ending 19 October, triggering a regular users’ discount.

Now, what was Boris thinking when he commissioned this?

I can only assume he was thinking of the Wuppertal Schwebebahn, one of the greatest forms of public transport ever.

They wanted to link up a few towns in a steep-sided river valley, but by the turn of the 20th century, the only practical solution was to build a monorail directly over and along the river itself. Just for extra kicks, the carriages hang underneath the rail, not above it.

I've been on that, it is awesome, but of course, most people using it are normal commuters*, so for them it's no more exciting that taking an underground train is for people who take the underground every day. So you have to play it cool rather than jumping about excitedly and saying "OMG! We are in a train several yards above a river!"

* The added joy of this is that the Schwebebahn is known locally/colloquially as the "Pendelbahn". The German word "pendel" can mean two quite different things. I didn't dare ask whether "pendel" refers to the side-to-side rocking motion (like a pendumulm) or the fact that people use it for commuting i.e. going back and forth.

Unlikely Land Value Taxers: Boris Johnson

From The Evening Standard:

The proposed £3 billion extension to the Bakerloo Line can be built without cash handouts from the government, City Hall today as a public consultation on the route was launched. The Elephant & Castle-to-Lewisham link could be funded by local businesses and housebuilders who would benefit from the first major extension to the Tube in South London for a generation...

Isabel Dedring, Deputy Mayor for Transport, told the Standard:

"You want infrastructure to have a big impact in terms of building homes and the increase in land value will help you fund it. You want to find a route that is going to generate maximum revenue in order to cover the cost of building it.

“This is how we did the Northern Line extension where there isn’t grant funding per se, it is in the form of a guarantee..."

Mayor Boris Johnson described it as "one of my top priorities", adding “it would provide a vital new transport link for the people of south London and help to spur jobs, new homes and regeneration in this part of the capital."

Johnson takes aim.

 "Boris Johnson takes aim at Miliband and the mansion tax at Tory conference"

From today's Evening Standard

Mr Johnson made housing the centre of his speech, in particular laying into Labour’s plans for a mansion tax on homes worth more than £2 million.

He said: “What is the real answer to our housing problem? To put a new tax on housing, hammering those who find themselves living in a property whose value inflates through no fault of their own, punishing those who have worked hard for years to pay their mortgages and those who hope to pass something on to their children?

[Actually, simple calculations, real life examples or a little logic shows property taxes do indeed make housing more affordable.]

Boris says it's not the fault of homeowners that property values have risen, then he says they are due the full capital gains increase from rising house prices because of their hard work!

Make up you mind, you thick twat. It can't be both can it?

Boris Johnson: a truly liberal authoritarian

From The Independent:

Boris Johnson has called for the removal of "stupid" spikes installed outside a London housing development as a deterrent to homeless people...

The spikes have been compared to similar measures used to keep pigeons off roofs and statues across London, and criticised in an online petition as "sending [homeless people] the message that they are pests that need to be warded off"...

Mr Johnson tweeted today: "Spikes outside Southwark housing development to deter rough sleeping are ugly, self defeating and stupid. Developer should remove them ASAP."

From The Independent:

Boris Johnson has been accused of “playing politics” over the safety of London’s streets by ordering the purchase of three water cannon from Germany before the Home Secretary has given permission for their use.

... critics say that the need for water cannon on mainland Britain has never been proven, and that Mr Johnson should be "ashamed" of using such an important issue to launch a political offensive at a time when he sees Ms May as “weakened” by her row with Michael Gove...

Scotland Yard welcomed the purchase, saying that following the riots in 2011 the Metropolitan Police believed water cannon would “allow us to more effectively and safely tackle the most extreme disorder”.

Indian Bicycle Marketing: Boris Johnson special

From The Times 30 May 2014:

Older people who sell up their family home to downsize would be exempt from paying inheritance tax on their profits under plans being put forward by Boris Johnson.

The London Mayor wants the over-65s to free up large houses and move to smaller retirement flats or homes to help solve a critical housing shortage in the capital. Many elderly people are put off downsizing when their families have left home because they could gain a big profit which would be liable to inheritance tax when they died.

[NB: the reported logic is total shit; inheritance tax is on the total value of somebody's estate, so if a Poor Widow in a £1m home sells up and buys a £200,000 flat and dies in that flat with £800,000 in the bank, the inheritance tax is exactly the same as if she's stayed in the £1m home. But there is a germ of a good idea in there - i.e. simply exempt everything except land from IHT etc.]

From The Evening Standard 4 June:

Boris Johnson today called for rich foreign investors to have their council tax hiked to 10 times the current rate if they leave their homes empty. The Mayor hit out at overseas owners who buy up property in some of London's most exclusive areas to keep them as "a bank balance in the sky".

From The Evening Standard 3 June:

Boris Johnson today told Brussels officials to “take a running jump” after they demanded Britain impose higher taxes on people in expensive homes.

The idea of a new “mansion tax” — which was dubbed a “tax on London” — was in a European Commission document sent to Chancellor George Osborne containing a list of economic policy suggestions. Treasury sources were cool on the Brussels demands — but the Mayor of London and Tory backbenchers reacted with fury.
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There is no real coherence to any of this, in particular, how do you define "empty"? A four-bed home with nobody in it is clearly empty and a four-bed home with a family of six in it clearly isn't. But what about a four-bed home with one person in it? Isn't that nearly empty? What if that home is divided into two two-bed flats with one person living in one of them - how are the two homes any emptier than the four-bed house next door with one person in it?

At the levels they are talking about, this is not intended particularly as a revenue-raiser, it is about encouraging efficient use of land and buildings (and hence of everything else as well), so why not just have higher ad valorem council tax on everything use part of the proceeds to scrap IHT completely and dish out the rest as a flat cash rebate; if Poor Widows are your thing, then share it out among the over-65s AFAIC, so a genuinely Poor Widow in a council flat comes out miles ahead of the game and a Poor Widow In A Mansion just about breaks even?

Unlikely Land Value Taxers: Boris Johnson and Peter Wynne Rees

From The Evening Standard (page 29, 30 May 2014) or see here:

PENSIONERS should be able to protect the value of their property "nest egg" from inheritance tax if they downsize by moving to a smaller home, Boris Johnson believes.

The Mayor's revised draft housing strategy contains plans to encourage people aged 65 or above to move into smaller properties to free up family homes for younger Londoners…

It came as Peter Wynne Rees, the homer chief planning offer in the City of London Corporation warned that the London housing market was being fuelled by "dirty Russian money being laundered and Chinese gambling".

He told BBC London that new riverside developments in Pimlico and Vauxhall were merely "safety deposit boxes" for foreign investors and called for a "punitive tax" on empty properties.

As per usual, reducing the tax burden (including but not restricted to inheritance tax) on everything that isn't occupation of land (transactions in land are not occupation thereof, things like SDLT are bad taxes too) and collecting it as an annual tax on land values instead ticks all their boxes.

With an annual tax, the sooner an over-occupying pensioner trades down, the more tax he saves; if he downsizes sharpish, he (and his heirs) end up paying much less tax than he would have pay under current rules; those pensioners who currently have real savings and live in more modest homes end up better off anyway etc.

And where's the dividing line between "vacant" and "under-occupied"; or between "under-occupied" and "just right" or even "overcrowded"? Why not make the annual tax the same regardless of how many people live there; non- and under-occupiers will get lousy value for money and everybody else gets much better value for money, then market forces sort it out.

If the flight path were over a grim 1960s housing estate or a new town, then that would be all right, of course.

From The Evening Standard:

Boris Johnson’s mother-in-law has joined furious residents protesting against the “unbearable” effects of plans for a new Gatwick flight path over their picturesque village.

Three weeks ago the tranquillity of the quintessentially English village of Warnham, West Sussex, was shattered without warning when aircraft taking off from Gatwick began thundering overhead – part of a six-month trial by Gatwick and air traffic control service NATS.

The £1,000 a year bung should soften the blow a bit, eh?

LVT will sort all this out. If the noise from the new flight path reduces the enjoyment value of your house, then its rental value will fall £ for £, and hence your LVT bill come down £ for £.

The really strange thing is that house prices under the Heathrow flight paths are higher than elsewhere, all things being equal. So it is possible that in a bizarre sort of way, the rental value and selling price of the houses in Warnham will go up.

Fun Online Polls: Radicalised children & inconsiderate car drivers

The responses to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

Boris Johnson has said that Muslim children at risk of radicalisation should be taken into care:

That just shows his authoritarian streak - 38%
He's just being his usual provocative self - 25%
That sounds like a good idea - 13%
This would only exacerbate things - 11%
Other, please specify - 13%

With the benefit of hindsight, I think it would have been better to allow multiple selections as the categories overlap, but that looks like a big thumbs-down from us.
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For a bit of light relief, let's do inconsiderate car drivers, starting with German marques.

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

Fun Online Polls: Ukraine & Syria/radicalisation

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

What's the less-bad option for Ukraine?

Remain a satellite of Russia - 72%
Align itself with the EU - 28%

Henry Law suggested: "Have a referendum and split the country." which appears to be what is now happening anyway, only as per usual the Russians have pre-empted a referendum and are just occupying the bits they think they can hold on to.
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Two articles on Syria and radicalisation caught my eye this morning:

From the BBC:

An ex-member of al-Qaeda has said the UK government must clearly explain why it has not intervened in Syria - or risk more Muslims becoming radicalised.

Woah dude! The 'west' has a terrible record for interfering in/invading Islamic countries, which the Islamists have used as a pretext for radicalisation and pointless terrorist attacks. Now this man is trying to tell us that the fact we are not interfering in Syria will lead to even more radicalisation? You can't win with these people.

Also from the BBC:

Muslim children who risk radicalisation by their parents should be taken into care, Boris Johnson has said.

Writing in his weekly Daily Telegraph column, the London mayor said such children were victims of child abuse. Mr Johnson said they should be removed from their families to stop them being turned into "potential killers or suicide bombers".

I'm not really sure what level of reality he is operating on here, so what does everybody else think?

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

Readers' Letters Of The Day

Both from The Metro, page 14/15.

Those who say Underground workers should not be allowed to strike would transport us back to Dickensian times when children were forced to labout in match factories and clean chimneys...

Just joking. Bored already. Next.

Ah, this is more like it:

Many would agree with the view that workers should not be allowed to strike without greater support because just 30% of union members voted in favour.

But perhaps London mayor Boris Johnson should think more carefully before suggesting a 50 per cent threshold for strike action. If you factor in thos who did not vote in the last London mayoral election, Boris only received 17 per cent of first preferences.

Another way of putting this is that 83 per cent of Londoners did not put Boris as their first choice for mayor.

If you do a similar calculation regarding the 2010 election based on the Conservatives winning a 36 per cent share of a 65 per cent turnout it becomes apparent that 77 per cent of the electorate did not vote Tory at the last election.

John, Greater Manchester