This is what you could have eaten, had you been a lucky Guardian food critic* or even just a well heeled customer

But please don't try eating it, as it is all made of plasticine, however, if this visit has made you slightly peckish, well there are all sorts of opportunities locally where you can satisfy that craving.

I am struggling with "a spring fashioned from what appears to be a tight coil of wire, but which has been manufactured, surprisingly, from virgin olive oil. The waiter had been quite clear: stick your finger in the ring, then put it in your mouth. I did as I was told but instead of sliding on to my tongue the ring has congealed about my knuckle. This is the only thing I've ever eaten that involves sticking a finger down my throat.

Goblin King's Ten New Year Resolutions

If he wants to be remembered as a great Prime Minister, all he has to do is the following:

1. End state funding for Trade Unions, quangos and charities. Especially all this 'climate change' crap. Sack two million superfluous civil servants. Thus cutting government spending by up to £100 billion per annum (around 15% to 20%).

2. Replace entire tax, welfare and pensions system with a single-rate income/corporation tax, a single-rate land value tax and a citizen's income/pension, sufficient to cover an absolute bare minimum of national and local spending. And maybe 'sin taxes' for things with external costs, like fossil fuels, gambling, drinking etc.

3. Introduce health and education vouchers. End bans on fox hunting and smoking in pubs.

4. Get police officers back on the beat instead of form-filling, ensure longer prison sentences for violent criminals and make most drugs legally available, suitably regulated and taxed. Ditto prostitution.

5. Take the UK out of the EU and the United Nations, introduce full devolution for all four parts of the UK, and further devolution of all but a few residual central powers to local councils, including powers to have an extra local income tax or land value tax, subject to local voter approval.

6. Introduce proportional representation at all elections.

7. Ask the Crown Prosecution Service to look very closely at certain larger donations to the Labour Party. Declare the Labour Party morally, intellectually and financially bankrupt and disband it

8. Dissolve Parliament, resign as PM.

9. Come out as gay and apologise profusely for disservices to homosexuality to braver men such as Peter Tatchell, Alan Duncan, Brian Paddick - heck, even to Peter Mandelson.

10. [Amended]. My original suggestion "commit suicide" has stirred up most controversy, so I am hereby amending it to "waives typical ex-PM goodies (pension, knighthood etc), goes into self-imposed exile, and is never heard of again".