Home-Owner-Ism - Guardian and NewsThump on top form

Firstly, from the Guardian.

A good summary of the overall catastrophic outcomes, the interesting bit is this:

Boris Johnson’s latest proposal to expand home ownership by asking housing associations to sell off homes to their tenants at a discount, and allowing people to put benefit payments towards a mortgage, is just the latest in a long line of bad ideas that purport to expand these benefits to more people...

In fact, one minister’s estimate that the scheme could help just a few thousand is probably on the optimistic side: housing associations are independent bodies, which the government would have to bribe rather than force to sell off their stock, and people with modest levels of savings are disqualified from benefits, which begs the question of how many could afford a deposit

This is a bizarre gimmick of a policy, but I'm sure the Tories ran it past their focus groups. Short term, it might keep the bubble going another three years (bubble due to pop in 2025). But long term, the main winners are the banks, who now have a steady stream of rising future income each time the homes are sold to the next mortgaged borrower, as NewsThump explains.

This comparison is slightly misleading:

The monthly cost of the average mortgage is cheaper than rent for the equivalent home; private renters spend 36% of their income on housing, compared with 12% for mortgage owners.

For FTBs on Day One, there isn't much difference. Over the long term, your mortgage payment stay the same or go down and general price and wage inflation exaggerates this effect.

But there is some truth in it, as NewsThump illustrates:

As Boris Johnson began operation ‘Save Boris’ with a pledge to let plebs own bricks, many have said letting benefits count towards the affordability of a mortgage is a good start, but that the amount you are currently successfully paying in rent is probably a better indicator of what you can afford for a house.

Simon Williams, a renter from Wokingham told us, “My wife and I pay just over a thousand pounds a month to rent our modest two-bed house. To buy one on the same street would require a mortgage of about £700 a month, but apparently we can’t afford that."

Backbench Tory MP Derek Despenser-Matthew told us, “Helping people like Simon and his wife is all well and good, but cannibalising the buy-to-let market it doesn’t make as good a headline as appearing to help people on benefits.

"Plus a lot of our donors are buy-to-let landlords, and it would not make good political sense to suddenly start decimating their core customer base. No, it’s much better to get a headline grabbing policy that will unlikely make it into law before the next election cycle and give Boris a few days of breathing space.”

Newsthump explains Ricardo's Law of Rent

From Newsthump:

The nurses and paramedics that have just spent a gruelling year in the frontline of the war against COVID have finally seen their sacrifices rewarded by a 1% pay rise and the warm knowledge that the person who takes half their salary in rent is going to get richer...

Life copies satire

From The Daily Mash, 5 August 2020:

TEACHERS have announced that they would be willing to relocate schools to pubs as a compromise to keep both open.

As scientists warned that curbing coronavirus might mean closing pubs so schools can operate normally, educators have volunteered to teach classes from behind the bar.

I'm sure they did one about 'home working' from the pub, but I can't find it right now. The principle stands however.

From the BBC, 11 October 2020:

Some pub-goers have queried whether "pub desks" offer a safe way of working, but industry leaders argue more coronavirus transmissions take place in educational settings and care homes than in pubs and restaurants.

In this village pub in Kent, a tenner gets you a table by a plug socket, wi-fi, lunch (I went for a halloumi wrap) and unlimited tea and coffee. (Pints, sadly, are not included.)

Cheers!

When life is funnier than satire

From The Daily Mash:

ANYONE who does not live in a detached house will be barred from shopping in Waitrose during the coronavirus crisis.

As the pandemic continues to disrupt shopping, the supermarket has introduced restrictions to ensure only ‘their kind of people’ stockpile its overpriced items.

Not true. My wife had to queue this morning just like everybody else.

From a Waitrose & John Lewis email yesterday:

We’re also suspending services that involve close contact between customers and Partners. This includes our cafes, A Place To Eat and others that require skin contact, such as beauty counter treatments and bra-fitting. Nespresso and Kuoni will be closing their outlets too as a temporary measure.

Truly the end of the world as we know it.

"The Haywain" by John Constable

I had always assumed that the hay wagon in the famous painting was fording a shallow river that flows off between the trees in middle of the painting.

Mrs W and I visited National Trust, Flatford on Sunday, and took the obligatory 'gate crashing The Hay Wain' photo in front of the cottage, which still looks exactly the same.

Two things struck me:

1. That is not actually a river, it is a pond (or non-flowing side-arm of the actual river, or however you wish to describe it), which ends roughly where the trees in the middle of the painting are. Nobody would be daft enough to ford it, they'd just go round it, which would take about one minute. So the event he painted never happened.

UPDATE: Sobers' explains in the comments why the wagon is in the pond.

UPDATE: NT map:


2. While the cottage looks exactly as it did, the National Trust haven't bothered to install a hay wagon in the middle of the pond, which would enhance the overall visitor experience and make those photos all the more enjoyable. Especially if you could wade out and pose on it, like on the zebra crossing in Abbey Road.

Lest ye think this is some sort of sacrilege, there are precedents for this, i.e. statues commemorating something that never happened or somebody who never existed, which become visitor attractions in their own right, for example The Little Mermaid in Copenhagen harbour, Manneken Pis in Brussels or various Swords in the Stone dotted around anywhere with a vague connection to King Arthur. See also Waverley Station in Edinburgh.

Life Copies Satire

Back in 1965, Tom Lehrer released his song Folk Song Army, which contained these lines:

If you feel dissatisfaction,
Strum your frustrations away.
Some people may prefer action,
But give me a folk song any old day

Today, the BBC has an article on Carole King who has just re-released an old song. From the article:

The song features a new final verse, which King told the Guardian is "a call to action" ahead of the mid-term elections in the US.

Incidentally, in the same album, Tom Lehrer summed up US foreign policy then and now in five lines:

For might makes right
And till they've seen the light
They've got to be protected
All their rights respected
'till somebody we like can be elected!

Life copies satire

Kj, on Facebook, 5 September:

Hey UK Labour-supporter, let me offer a humble suggestion:

If someone is accusing Jeremy Corbyn and portions of the party of being anti-semitic, you ought to just reply "no I don't believe that's true, the track record shows it etc." and leave it at that.

If you instead run with it and end up hammering the point that these suggestions are nothing but the work of the Israel lobby, and part of an elaborate scheme to discredit any opposition set in motion by a cabal placed in multiple levels of the political system - maaaaybe it's time to take a step back and think about how and why you ended up with that conclusion in this particular matter...

From the BBC, 14 September:

A trade union leader has been recorded suggesting that Israel "created" the anti-Semitism row in the Labour Party.

In a recording published by the Independent, PCS general secretary Mark Serwotka suggested the country had created the story to hide what he called its own "atrocities".

Reader's Letter Of The Day

From The Metro:

Fatting up Damian was unacceptable

If director Ricky Tollman needed an actor to play overweight, scandal-hit former Toronto mayor Rob Ford in 'Run This Town', why didn't he cast an overweight one?

'Fatting up' the slim Damian Lewis, however successful, is no more acceptable than having a white actor black up to play Othello.

Geoff, Stockport

I just can't decide if he's being serious or satirical...

Satire copies satire

VIZ, September 2014, spoof advert for an 'off-road' vehicle with the slogan "Primary school halfway up a fucking mountain? No problem."

Newsthump, February 2018, spoof article titled "Range Rover launch new 4×4 for people whose local Waitrose is halfway up a mountain".

Satire copies satire

The Onion, 2014:

Explaining that her statements indicated a failure to understand and implement the district’s goal of providing a comprehensive education to all children, Southwest High School officials reportedly fired ninth-grade history teacher Jennifer Steenman today after she was heard saying she learns more from her students than they do from her.

The Daily Mash, 2018:

Tom Logan, who claims to be a history teacher, caused alarm at a recent parent-teacher evening by saying, ‘I like to think the children are the real teachers’.

At a personnel hearing, Logan was asked to explain exactly what the children had been teaching him that was more important than the Great Reform Act or the origins of the First World War.

Logan said: “I just think they’re really wise”, before being told to leave and never come back.

Life copies satire

Turns out, The Daily Mash was spot on accurate.

From the Evening Standard:

Lucy Pendleton, director of south-west London agents James Pendleton, said: “We had one person whose offer of £358,000 on a flat in Wandsworth was not acceptable at 12.30pm increasing it by £5,000 to £363,000 at 2.30pm.

"That was as a result of the stamp duty relief — the offer was accepted.”

However, there were fears that the change would stoke up the lower end of the property market, making it even harder for less affluent buyers.

"Fears"?

Let's hear it for the donkey!

Says Graeme, who spotted this story:

A peckish donkey caused thousands of euros worth of damage and landed his owner in court after confusing an orange-coloured supercar for a carrot, a German court has heard...

Despite not holding a grudge against the donkey, the businessman is seeking compensation from the donkey owner’s insurer to cover the cost. However, the insurance company have refused to pay out, arguing he should have chosen a better parking spot.

Reminding us that life copies satire. From Newsthump (July 2017):

Local resident Simon Williams told us,”First of all the car is orange. Orange.

“What sort of attention-seeking prick drives around in an orange sports car. I’ll tell you the sort, the sort that is crying out to have the piss taken out of him when he inevitably destroys the thing because he’s a shit driver.

“So we have a prick driving too fast in a bright orange car that costs more than a first home and we’re surprised that public sympathy for his predicament is non-existent. Yeah, I’ve got to be honest, I’m not all that sympathetic.

Fun Online Polls: Our next PM & The Chilcot Report

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

Please indicate the ones you would definitely NOT like to see as Prime Minister.

Leadsom, Andrea 42 votes
Gove, Michael 61 votes
Fox, Liam 82 votes
Crabb, Stephen 94 votes
Smith, Owen 103 votes
May, Theresa 107 votes
Corbyn, Jeremy 116 votes
Eagle, Angela 122 votes

Total 166 voters

Just goes to show that 'exaggerating' on your CV doesn't do you any harm. And being the most rabid Home-Owner-ist of the lot counts as a plus.
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Chilcot: The Daily Mash and Newsthump responded with satire, Nick Drew responded in rhyme.

So that's this week's Fun Online Poll:

"Which of the following revelations in the Chilcot report were NOT blindingly obvious back in 2002 or 2003?"

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

Beyond satire.

Exhibit One:

Tony Blair has said it would be a “very dangerous experiment” if Jeremy Corbyn or a populist politician like him were to form a government.

In an interview with the BBC, the former Labour prime minister said populist politicians, whether on the left like Corbyn or on the right, were worrying and he spent a lot of time thinking about how people in the centre should respond.

Blair famously said last summer that anyone thinking of voting for Corbyn as Labour leader because it was what their heart told them to do should “get a transplant”, but his latest comment may be his harshest yet.

Exhibit Two

An unfortunate mobile phone salesman was tied up and beaten by an angry crowd in Cixi City, China, after he was mistaken for a baby snatcher.

Exhibit Three

Channel 4 comedy Raised By Wolves is being adapted for American TV by Diablo Cody, the writer of Juno...

Now The Guardian has reported that Moran and Cody have been in contact about reworking the action from Wolverhampton to the US…

The remake is being made by Berlanti Productions, whose credits include the less down-to-earth shows Supergirl and Legends of Tomorrow.

Exhibit Four

Lack of unity on the EU, UK government challenges and UKIP all contributed to the Welsh Conservatives losing seats at the assembly elections, leader Andrew RT Davies has said.

But...

Ruth Davidson, the Scottish Tory leader, has declared herself a “John Major”-style Conservative, after leading the party to its best election result in Scotland for almost 60 years.

I saw another good one last week but I've forgotten it.

Fun Online Poll: The correct mode of attire when driving an open-topped car on British roads.

This week's Fun Online Poll.

"What is the correct mode of attire when driving an open-topped car on British roads (assuming not done satirically)?"

Choose from the list here or use the widget in the sidebar.

Life copies satire

I've been waiting a quarter of a century for somebody to try this on…

From Wiki:

The Freshman is a 1990 American crime comedy film…

Carmine offers Clark the opportunity to make a lot of money just for running small errands. The first is to pick up a Komodo dragon from JFK Airport and transport it to a specific address...

.. the Fabulous Gourmet Club… is an illicit and nomadic establishment, never holding its festivities in the same place twice, where for enormous prices endangered animals are served as the main course, specially prepared by Larry London. Clark is told that "for the privilege of eating the very last of a species," a million dollars is charged…

[After being busted] Larry London reveals tonight's expensive and exotic dinner is actually Hawaiian tigerfish mixed with smoked turkey from Virginia, not endangered species (a long-running con of Carmine's, swindling the rich out of their money).

From today's Daily Mail:

Two trading standards officers from Hertfordshire County Council visited [the Steakhouse] in April last year, posing as customers.

After their order of zebra and wildebeest was served, the pair – who were the only diners – entered the kitchen, where they found an order ticket for ‘one venison, chips and salad’ and ‘one horse, chips and salad’.

They confronted restaurant boss Kunal Soni, who claimed the waiter had ‘made a mistake’. But when the meat was analysed, the ‘zebra’ was found to be horse and the ‘wildebeest’ was venison from a red deer.

The officers went back to The Steakhouse the following month and found more than 22kg of horse meat in the freezer – the bulk of the restaurant’s stock of meat – even though horse was not among the items on the menu. Nor was venison.

"Young goths at risk of depression"

Somebody at the BBC has decided to have a go at writing an Onion style article.

It's hilarious:

In this study, researchers looked at 3,694 15-year-olds based in Bristol. They found the more young people identified with the goth subculture, the higher their likelihood of self-harm and depression.

The goth movement - with its emphasis on black clothes, heavy black make-up and sometimes gloomy music with doom laden lyrics - has been attracting adolescents for many years.

But for the original and best, see for example here.

"High-earning houses ban humans from living in them"

The Daily Mash does Home-Owner-Ism yet again.

Daily Mail on sparkling form

From The Daily Mail:

The two Charlie Hebdo gunmen have been killed in a firefight with French special forces, according to reports in France.

The hostage, named as Michel Catalano, who taken by Said Kouachi, 34, and his brother, Cherif, 33, is believed to have been rescued alive...

Mr Catalano's family were gathered for support at their detached home in the village of Othis as the siege came to an end in Dammartin-en-Goele.

Police were last night stationed outside the property, which has a private swimming pool.

Life copies satire

From The Daily Mash, 20 March 2012:

TAXPAYERS are to receive a detailed breakdown of how their money was spent that is indvidually tailored to their cretinous world view...

Tax offices across the UK will issue bespoke statements that will fill individuals with both righteous anger and the realisation that they are the cleverest person in the world.

A Treasury spokesman said: “... people will see exactly how much of their money is being spent on ‘wacky-baccy-bongs, general poovery and that lazy Bulgarian scrounger who’s trying to fuck your wife’."

From the BBC, 3 November 2014:

The letters show that 24.5% of government spending goes on welfare payments.

"The chancellor is relying on the fact that many people think spending called welfare all goes to the unemployed," said the TUC's general secretary, Frances O'Grady.

From City AM, 4 November 2014:

Ben Gummer, Conservative MP for Ipswich, says...  Tax Statements will help taxpayers challenge their representatives, and candidates from rival parties, with real figures.

“Why am I spending £3,000 on welfare and only £352 on transport subsidies and infrastructure?” – the answer to which may change a vote, or influence an MP. That is good news for politics, and for voters.
--------------------------------------
A few facts:

1. The statements only refer to income tax and Employee's National Insurance. Seeing as these raise about £210 bn a year and the government spends about £710 billion, the totals are misleading. For an average household, you can probably double their income tax and Ee's NIC to arrive at the total amount of tax they pay/bear.

2. Government spending breaks down approx. as follows:
40% is subsidies to and 'procurement' from nominally private sector businesses,
30% is public sector salaries, and
30% is actual cash pensions and welfare.

3. The money paid to private business is a mix of a) legit and b) pure theft/waste.

a) It would be stupid for the police to manufacture their own cars or for schools to own their own forests and have their own paper mill, for example. The NHS sets a good example by haggling low prices for the medicines it buys (NHS prices are treated as reference prices by many bodies overseas), so that's fine. Conversely, government departments do not haggle for a bulk discount for generic software, not so fine.

b) It also includes straight theft and waste, like subsidies to banks, paying advertising agencies to churn out health propaganda, endless failed government IT projects, Housing Benefit payments to 'private' sector landlords… the list is endless.

4. Out of approx. 6 million public sector workers (the official total excludes things like BBC, universities, many quangoes and agencies, nationalised banks etc), one million work in education and another million in the NHS, hooray for them.

Fewer than a million others also do vital stuff (police, armed forces, prison officers, social workers, immigration control, dustbin men, firemen, a bare minimum in tax and benefits offices etc). Heck knows that the other three million do.

5. Out of the 30% spent on pensions and welfare, two-thirds is state pensions, public sector pensions, other pensioner benefits (Pensions Credit, Council Tax Benefit) and one-third is paid to working age people.

6. Of cash 'welfare' paid to working age people, about half is Child Benefit or Child Tax Credits and half goes to the disabled and unemployed.

So for every £352 spent on 'transport subsidies' (whatever that includes), about £597 goes as cash payments to the unemployed and the disabled (the categories overlap), and the headline figure of £3,000 for 'Welfare' is a complete and utter lie.

Actual 'theft and waste' appears to be about one-third of government spending, let's say half of the 40% paid to 'private sector' businesses and half the 30% paid in public sector salaries. Even if every penny paid to the unemployed and disabled (5% of the total) were also categorised as 'waste', it's still only one-eighth of the total 'waste'.