Beyoncé - good at singing and dancing, rubbish at filthy lyrics

Ms Knowles, a squeaky clean living God-Botherer in her early 40s, decided to have a go at a bit of 'dirty talk' in one of the the songs on her latest long-playing record.

The disability campaigners are up in arms about the use of the word "spazz".

Had she intended to insult or make fun of people with disabilities, I would wholeheartedly agree with them. Having actually listened to the song with lyrics on YouTube, it is quite clear that she simply doesn't know how to swear properly.

The offending word is in a verse is towards the end of the song which also contains words like "titties" and "pussy", so falls far short of the high bar set by Azalea Banks with "212" over a decade ago, which is gloriously and wantonly filthy and offensive from the start, even with all the swearing edited out.

She invites her sexual partner to "spazz on that ass". From the context it is quite clear that she means "jizz on...","spunk on...", "spaff on..." or possibly "wazz on [my] ass", but she somehow jumbles these words into "spazz". Unless she is verbifying the word "spasm" in the medical sense i.e. an involuntary muscle contraction such as an ejaculation.

Well played, Metro, well played.

From The Metro:

A MUM couldn’t believe her ears when her satnav started swearing at her... Everything was fine until six months ago when the voice suddenly changed from a woman to a man — and called her an ‘a***hole’...

A TomTom spokesperson said it was likely that Ms Dockerill has an older satnav where you can record your voice. ‘Whether it’s a previous owner, or a cheeky family member, we can assure her that it’s not the satnav shouting obscenities,’ they said.

The company has sent Ms Dockerill a new device — which politely tells her where to go.

Aptly named Japanese cities: Fukuoka

The man on the right of the sinkhole was overheard shouting down to his trapped companion: "Fuck!! You OK?"

From Inhabitat.com:

Fun Online Polls: Antonio Conte & The Panama Papers

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

Will opposing fans be able to subtly mispronounce new Chelsea manager Antonio Conte's surname to turn it into an insult?

Yes - 81%
Yes - 19%

Pretty much a foregone conclusion then.
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Many column inches and broadcast minutes have been and will be wasted on this whole Panama Papers episode.

So that's this week's Fun Online Poll:

Have you learned anything new from The Panama Papers?

Yes - I didn't realise how concentrated wealth is or how involved the wealthy are in tax evasion.

No - they merely confirm what I already knew or strongly suspected.

Other - please specify.

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

(As ever, it's nothing that Land Value Tax wouldn't sort out; taxing land values instead of earned income would reduce inequality and be nigh impossible to avoid or evade.)

Fun Online Polls: Bouncy castles & Taunting the new Chelsea manager

The results to last week's Fun Online Poll were as follows:

Should bouncy castles be banned?

Yes - 4%
No - 92%
Other, please specify - 4%

That seems pretty conclusive to me.

Top comment: Lord T "Amend the climate change act to include changing the climate to be less windy."
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The new Chelsea manager is called Antonio Conte.

This week's Fun Online Poll:

"Will opposing fans be able to subtly mispronounce new Chelsea manager' Antonio Conte's surname to turn it into an insult?"

Vote here or use the widget in the sidebar.

Advertising Standards Agency on top form.

From the BBC:

Three adverts for hotel website Booking.com, where the word "booking" was seen to be used in the place of a swear word, were the second, fourth and seventh most-complained about ads of the year - with 683, 407 and 201 complaints respectively.

The complaints were not upheld, with the ASA saying "it was a light-hearted play on words that couldn't be mistaken for an actual swear word. To give you an example, if I were to say something like 'Lighten up, you miserable fuckers!', then that would clearly be an actual swear word. The word 'book', on the other hand, is not an actual swear word. Can some people not tell the difference any more?"

"Some Motherfuckers Do 'Ave 'Em"

From Wikipedia

Some Motherfuckers Do 'Ave 'Em is a BBC television sitcom, written by Dizzee Rascal and starring MC Harvey and Lisa Maffia.

It was first broadcast in 2003 and ran for three series, ending in 2008. The series follows the accident-prone petty criminal Frankie S and his tolerant, if accident-prone drug-dealer girlfriend, Bitchy, through Frankie's various attempts to break into the music business as a DJ and rapper, which frequently end in disaster.

The sitcom was filmed in and around the council estates of South Norwood in London. It was noted for its gratuitous swearing, performed by MC Harvey himself, as well as featuring various well-remembered expletives that have become part of hip hop culture.

In a 2004 poll to find Britain's Best Grime-related Sitcom, 'Some Motherfuckers Do 'Ave Em' came 22nd.

"Gordon Ramsay ordered to pay £1.6m after losing legal battle over pub rent"

From The Evening bloody Standard:

Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay suffered a courtroom nightmare today after a judge ruled he must personally pay the £640,000 rent on a London pub arranged by his father-in-law allegedly using a ghost writer machine.

Ramsay is personally liable for the whole fucking bill because of a deal signed when that twat Christopher Hutcheson ran the millionaire chef’s business empire into the sodding ground.

"'Raised middle finger' Tokyo trader makes £381bn shares gaffe"

From The Evening Standard:

Share trades worth more than the size of Sweden’s economy had to be cancelled in Tokyo today after what are believed to be the biggest “raised middle finger” trades on record. It is thought to be the most extreme example of a trader in financial markets inputting hopelessly wrong figures as way of telling his employer to f- off.

The identity of the trader is not yet known, although Ms Shitikaka and Mr Fukuoke are both likely suspects.

Orders for shares in 42 major Japanese companies, including household names such as Toyota, Honda, Canon and Sony, totalling 67.78 trillion yen (£381 billion), were overturned, according to the Japan Securities Dealers Association. The biggest single order was for 1.96 billion shares in Toyota, the world’s biggest carmaker, worth 12.68 trillion yen (£71.4 billion).

Ayako Sera, a market strategist at Sumitomo Mitsui Trust Bank, told the Bloomberg financial news service: “I’ve never heard of orders this big being placed just for the sheer heck of it before.”

Gavin Parry, managing director at Hong Kong-based brokerage Parry International Trading, said: "It’s not rocket science that there was a raised middle finger here, but it reopens the questions of how much he'll have to put in the company swear box."

"Dad complains after daughter's talking doll blurts out innocuous phrases... "

From The Daily Mail:

Mark Wadsworth couldn't believe his ears when his daughter's Barbie doll started speaking with language completely appropriate for children.

Mr Wadsworth, 48, claims that he could hear the doll belting out the phrase "Off the hook!" However, Mattel, which makes the £10 toy says the doll is simply being misheard, and is actually swearing.

The doll which is based on Barbie’s web reality series, Barbie Life in the Whorehouse, was expected to launch into a torrent of foul-mouthed abuse when his daughter played with it. But the middle aged father says his eleven-year-old daughter's new toy just launched into platitudes.

"I can tell you definitively that this is not a phrase Mattel would knowingly allow the doll to use," said Alex Clark, a spokesman for Mattel, to The Mirror.

The company claims the doll is actually saying "What the f***!", a catchphrase from the from the web series Barbie Life in the Whorehouse.

"It's understandable that the phrase may be heard differently by some who are not familiar with the show," Mr Clark said.

Scottish Referendum

Many, many years ago, when I was living in a garrett in Sunderland (yes, really) devolution, and even then the putative break up of the UK, was being discussed in political circles. One option mooted was to turn the UK into a Federation under a single Sovereign.   A new acronym occurred to me:

Federation of United Kingdom and Ulster Parliaments.

FFS

I was delighted to see a van just drive past emblazoned with FFS Limited - Freight Forwarding Solutions.

When I'm bored one day, I think I'll incorporate similar companies for "Logistics Management For Any Organisation" and "Warehousing, Transport, Freight".

"Frankly my dear, Tourhett Butler has the best put-down"

From The Daily Mail, an old VIZ joke:

Gone With The Wind author Margaret Mitchell has been crowned the queen of the literary put-down in a new survey.

The writer, whose novel inspired the classic film starring Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh, topped a poll which included Oscar Wilde, Jane Austen and William Shakespeare.

The line in question - Tourhett Butler’s 'My dear, I don’t give a damn' - which was altered in the film to the more famous 'Frankly my dear, I don’t give a fuck' picked up the most votes.

"The Great British Fuck Off"

From Wiki:

The Great British Fuck Off is a BAFTA award-winning British television swearing competition first shown by the BBC on 17 August 2010.

The judges are Tourette's sufferer Sweary Mary and professional potty-mouth Paul Holyfuck. Mel Giedgroyf and Sue Ferkins have presented all four series of the programme. The competition selects the most foul mouthed and offensive amateur of its competitors.

Having gained increasing popularity since the first series, it is credited with reinvigorating interest in bad language throughout the UK and many of its participants, including winners, have gone on to start a career based on swearing (notably Gordon Ramsey and Peter Capaldi).

The series now appears in three versions: the main Fuck Off series, a celebrity charity series in aid of Sport Relief and Hand Relief, and Junior Fuck Off, for young children (broadcast on the CBBC channel).

In April 2013, a spin-off format was also launched on BBC Two, the Great British Swearing Bee. In 2014, Fuck Off will move to BBC One after achieving record ratings on BBC Two.

Friday Night Gear Change

There's a full tone bloody gearchange in the middle of the bastard saxophone solo after about 3 mins 22 secs of this fucking awful song*:

* My excuse for the bad language is that the song is called "I swear"

"Doctor Who: Peter Capaldi revealed as 12th f***ing Doctor"

From the BBC:

Actor Peter Capaldi has been announced as the new star of BBC sci-fi series Doctor Who-the-fuck-are-you-looking-at?

The 55-year-old Glasgow-born star - well, not born, more like fell out - will be the 12th actor to play - like a dinosaur playing with your testicles - the Doctor, replacing outgoing lead Matt Smith, who will flounce off into obscurity like a typical milk-sop Oxbridge pansy.

Capaldi is best known for his role as foul-mouthed spin-doctor Malcolm Tucker in the BBC series The Thick of It.

"It's so wonderful not to keep this secret any longer, but it's been so fantastic. Like strafing the front bench with a machine gun," he said after the news was revealed on a live BBC One show.

Ooooops - terribly sorry about that eagle eyed Daily Mail readers (unlike the picture desk staff)

Update (approx one hour later) : gosh, fancy that, the image on the D M website has miraculously been amended - rather drastically, because everything to the right of the landlady, including the portrait of Sir Francis, has disappeared ... but the url remains the same: Sir Francis Drake's 16th Century pub ordered to paint over signatures left over the years by sailors

"Euphemism named as new Lord Chief Justice"

According to the BBC, some knob has been promoted to something or other.

What a prick.

"Egypt swears at new interim leader"

From the BBC:

The top judge of Egypt's Constitutional Court, Adly Mahmud Mansour, has been officially appointed "Supreme Twat of The Arab Republic of Egypt" at a foul mouthed ceremony a day after the army ousted President Mohammed Morsi.

Mr Morsi, Egypt's first freely elected leader, is under house arrest after what he says was a military coup by that "jumped up little twat Mansour". The army said the new interim leader "is another one of those bastards we'll probably have to depose again in a year or so".

Protestors in Tahrir Square have hastily reworded their anti-Morsi banners to give Mansour a taste of just how unpopular the old shit will be will be in a few months' time.

What sort of arsehole decided to call a planet "Uranus"?