From The Onion
The so-called American Dream of homeownership is a fantasy carefully constructed by special interest groups to trap generation after generation in a quiet lower-middle-class life and preserve the hierarchical status quo.
But since you’re already here, you might as well know that you need to fully dry the bathtub before attempting to re-caulk it.
Somebody at the BBC has decided to have a go at writing an Onion style article.
It's hilarious:
In this study, researchers looked at 3,694 15-year-olds based in Bristol. They found the more young people identified with the goth subculture, the higher their likelihood of self-harm and depression.
The goth movement - with its emphasis on black clothes, heavy black make-up and sometimes gloomy music with doom laden lyrics - has been attracting adolescents for many years.
But for the original and best, see for example here.
The Onion, 1 June 2005:
CHICAGO—Located in the Bucktown neighborhood, American Mini-Storage is one of Chicago's best-kept secrets, but don't expect it to stay that way for long. The self-storage facility houses what is arguably the nation's most impressive collection of personal items accumulated during periods of failure.
"There are 250 storage units here, and each one has a different pathetic story to tell," said Carlos Garcia, one of several client-relations managers at American Mini-Storage.
"They run the gamut—from libraries of unread college textbooks to abandoned bolts of canvas to half-restored antique chests of drawers. Each storage locker is like a window into a separate life of disappointment and inadequacy."
The Daily Mash, 1 August 2013:
ALL of Britain’s best stuff is in storage, according to a new survey...
Wayne Hayes said: “My quest to own every issue of Fantastic Four took me 11 years and spanned three continents. I still burn with the intense thrill of holding #52, the last one I needed and the first appearance of the Black Panther. Then I got a girlfriend. The comics went into storage, and my soul went with them.”
... Roy Hobbs, proprietor of BFG Storage in Swindon, said: “I store your hopes. I store your dreams. I take that part of yourself you can’t admit has died and keep it safely locked away so you don’t have to witness its decay. And all for £17.77 a week.”
The original satire was in The Onion.
Inspired by this, a teacher in England had a go recently:
Wesley Walker, 14, was told by teachers to imagine he only had a few days to live through terminal illness, and to write a letter which he should then take home to his parents.
But when the schoolboy produced the handwritten note which said he wanted to 'say goodbye' before disappearing to his bedroom, his mother thought he had become suicidal...
And now a teacher in France is probably regretting his copycat attempt:
A teacher has been suspended after asking a class full of teenagers to write suicide notes.
The man, who has not been named, is a French teacher at the Antoine-Delafont school in Montmoreau-Saint-Cybard, near Angouleme, France. He told the 13 to 14 year olds to imagine what they would say to themselves if they were about to end their lives out of 'disgust' for their lives...
The Onion, 19 August 1997:
At the group's annual convention Sunday, members of the National Education Association called for the formation of a nationwide coalition of parents, teachers and political leaders to address a rapidly growing problem: the alarmingly low quality of teenage suicide notes across the U.S.
In the convention's keynote address, U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley said America must renew its commitment to grammar, spelling and writing skills, calling the marked improvement of teen suicide prose "the nation's number one educational priority."
"Not three days ago I met with the parents of a young man who chose to take his own life," Riley said. "I was shocked by what I saw: a note that read simply, 'Im gonna blo my head of.' This sort of syntax is understandable coming from a first- or second-grader, but from a 17-year-old it is downright appalling," Riley said. "What do you tell the parents in a situation like that? By all outward appearances, this seemed like a normal child. The poor parents had no idea their son's writing skills were that poor."
Daily Mail, 21 June 2012:
A school has apologised after a teenage boy was asked to produce a handwritten note in a writing class which his parents thought was a suicide letter.
Wesley Walker, 14, was told by teachers to imagine he only had a few days to live through terminal illness, and to write a letter which he should then take home to his parents.
But when the schoolboy produced the handwritten note which said he wanted to 'say goodbye' before disappearing to his bedroom, his mother thought he had become suicidal.
From The Onion August 2007:
Ah, well. No rest for the weary, I suppose. I'm certainly not going to win any points with the feminists by saying so, but maybe we women simply can't have it all. Maybe we have to make the choice between being a working woman... or a mother who spontaneously pulls over to the side of the road on the way to pick up the kids from day camp and swirls her fingers over her love button over and over and again and again, faster and faster until she's screaming, "Yes! Yes!" and slamming her fists on the car horn. Because sometimes when you try to have it all, you end up losing what's most important to you: earth-shattering, toe-curling multiple orgasms.
From The Daily Mail, May 2012:
One thrill-seeking exhibitionist has been arrested after allegedly masturbating in open view of other motorists on Highway 484 in Ocala, Florida and trying to bite a police officer with 'a love tap'.
Thirty-five-year old Ashley Holton caused traffic along the busy highway to back-up for 30 minutes with some drivers reportedly performing illegal u-turns to get a second look.
According to witnesses, Holton was wearing nothing more than a pink shirt when she decided to pull her car over and pleasure herself in front of the passing motorists.
From The Onion, October 1996:
The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.
Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.
"The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That's untouchable."
From the BBC, May 2012:
"If I get agitated, I'll have an incredible urge to get a Coke," says Alexander, a 37-year-old US Army veteran who served several tours in Iraq. "I'll go get a 48-ounce Big Gulp every once in a while. It's just convenient. If I'm working a lot of hours, I'll just grab a giant one and take it to the office and let it sit there for a while."
But in convenience stores across America, one can buy even larger drinks - one of America's largest convenience store chains, 7-Eleven, sells a 50-ounce (1.5-litre) "Double Gulp" soda, and has at times sold a 64-ounce (1.9-litre) soda.
"They're quite popular," says Margaret Chabris, a spokeswoman for 7-Eleven, which has 7,800 convenience stores in the US. "People are quite thirsty and want a large-sized soda."
Rowboat-sized soft-drinks have been marketed to Americans for decades.
From The Onion:
Representation of man's hubris sinks in North Atlantic: 1,500 Dead in symbolic tragedy
Officials of the White Star Line have confirmed the sinking, during her maiden voyage, of the RMS Titanic, the world's largest symbol of man's mortality and vulnerability.
At 4.23 Greenwich Standard Time, the following message was received from the rescue ship Carpathia: TITANIC STRUCK BY ICY REPRESENTATION OF NATURE'S SUPREMACY STOP INSUFFICIENT LIFEBOATS DUE TO POMPOUS CERTAINTY OF MAN'S INFALLIBILITY STOP MICROCOSM OF LARGER SOCIETY STOP
"Let us take a step back from the horror of the tragedy," said Lord Peter Hothcrofte, a British naval historian, "and view it in terms of its grander significance. Simply put, the Titanic was more than a crystallization of the accumulated triumphs of 200 years of Western industrialization wedded to the firm but icy hand of science triumphant. It was a ship larger than any ship need be, which therefore also makes it somewhat of a hyperbole."
Daily Mail, 30 November 2011: "One in five may fail job interviews for having a limp HANDSHAKE"
The Onion, 5 October 2005: "CEO's Success Credited To Unbelievable Handshake"
From The Onion 22 April 1998:
DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer.
"He was kind of a murderous, insane, serial-killer type of fellow," said Will Rowell, 57, who lived next door to the man arrested for the murder of 14 nurses in Florida and Georgia. "He sort of kept to himself, killing nurses, having sex with their corpses, and then burying the bodies in his backyard."
Neighbor Peg Appleton agreed: "I didn't know him that well, but he really seemed to hate nurses, the way he was always dismembering them with power tools. I guess you could say he fancied himself a serial killer."
From The Daily Mail 11 August 2011:
A gunman who killed seven people during a rampage through his Ohio neighbourhood has been described as 'quiet and strange'. Michael Hance, 51, died in a shootout with police in Copley, Ohio, after the killing spree on Sunday, where he shot seven people dead, including his girlfriend's 11-year-old nephew.
Ms Hancock, 53, of Akron, told CBS news: 'He was quiet and strange.' The gunman was also described as 'unpleasant' and 'disliked'.
Hance had become increasingly belligerent over residents' comments about the state of the property he lived in with his girlfriend of two decades, Becky Dieter. His neighbour Carol Eshleman said Hance had been asked to clean up his property by another resident, Gudrun 'Gerdie' Johnson, around a month ago, but he had thrown her off his property.
He began gunning people down after Miss Dieter's family had visited the couple to try and settle a dispute over the property.
NB - not for the Faint Hearted or the Easily Offended.
The Onion, 15 August 2007: ... we have to make the choice between being a working woman who occasionally coaxes her pussy into such a lather that her hands are slicked with love juices, or a mother who spontaneously pulls over to the side of the road on the way to pick up the kids from day camp and swirls her fingers over her love button over and over and again and again, faster and faster until she's screaming, "Yes! Yes!" and slamming her fists on the car horn.
The Westmoreland Gazette, 3 September 2010*: AN APPLEBY woman who admitted committing an act of indecency while driving on the motorway was trying to ‘cheer herself up’ after a catalogue of family problems. Lorry driver Jonathon Kitchen spotted Miranda Chapman, 43, of Doomgate, indulging in an intimate act as she overtook him between Carlisle and Shap at around 4pm on May 13...
Ms Birkbeck said the events had made her client feel ‘extremely upset’ and the offence occured ‘in a moment of madness.’ “It was a completely out of character action for her. A decision made by all the incidents piling up and she believed she was in the privacy of her own car...”
Magistrates issued an interim disqualification from driving until October 8, when she will be sentenced following a probation report. She also faces being issued with a sexual offences order.
Via Grumpy Old Twat, via Anorak News.
... was not even original.
Compare these pictures from the genuine French anti-smoking propaganda:
... with the scene at 1 minute 20 seconds into this spoof anti-smoking advert from The Onion:
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
The Onion, 19 November 2003:
Kenyan President Emilio Mwai Kibaki said Monday that his country continues to enjoy excellent diplomatic relations with former U.S. President Bill Clinton.
"I have always enjoyed working with Mr. Clinton, and the recent international Agricultural Development Conference was no exception," Kibaki said. "And I know that [Democratic Republic of the Congo President] Joseph Kabila enjoyed meeting with him to secure an American commitment for humanitarian aid, as well." Kibaki said that none of the leaders have anything in particular against President Bush, but added that all the same, they'd rather stick with Clinton.
The BBC, 4 August 2009:
Former US President Bill Clinton has met North Korean leader Kim Jong-il during an unannounced visit to the country, state media have reported.
Mr Clinton is in Pyongyang to discuss the fate of jailed US journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee. He is the highest-profile American to visit since his secretary of state, Madeleine Albright, in 2000. US media are reporting that Mr Clinton has met the journalists and hopes are high for their release. Analysts say Mr Clinton may also be trying to ease the deadlock over the North's nuclear ambitions.
The Onion, 30 April 1997:
Violent decapitations and permanent paralysis due to severing of the spinal cord are among the reasons cited by the Chrysler Corporation for its decision to recall all '97 automobiles containing the "neckbelts" safety feature. "In the case of collision, it would appear that the neckbelts have a detrimental effect on overall passenger safety," read a statement released by the company.
The real world, 11 July 2009:
A taxi driver decapitated himself in a gruesome suicide yesterday. The cabbie, believed to be in his 30s, tied a rope to a lamppost and the other end round his neck before driving off at speed. A shocked colleague found his body in the taxi with his detached head yards away.
My theory is, life doesn't copy art any more; it now copies satire.
The whole furore over the redacted MPs' expense claims reminds me of a spoof article I read on The Onion four-and-a-half years ago.
I'd like to commemorate this weekend's nuclear(?) tomfoolery by referring to the article published by The Onion the last time they did this back in 2006.
In economic terms, they must be back to the 1930's at least.
From The Metro: Thousands flee out-of-control wildfire.
Were they expecting this to happen?
Hats off to The Daily Mash for correctly predicting the gas industry's gas price predictions (see previous post).
This scoop looks vaguely familiar though ... ah, here's the original.
