Peace Talks

If you Google the phrase, you get, for example, the following list of combatants/opponents:

Israel v Fatah/Hamas

Afghanistan v Pakistan/Taliban

Colombia v FARC

Ukraine v Russian separatists

Now, we now that these talks are doomed to failure, as the parties will never agree with each other.

But what we ought to try at least, is invite all eight parties to Geneva and choose random pairs to hold talks (like the World Cup draw).

So the Israeli negotiating team ends up sitting down with FARC; Russian separatists go face to face with Colombia; Ukraine meets up with Fatah/Hamas, and so on.

They can have a gay old chat with each other, have a good moan about respective grievances and problems, their aims and goals but will agree they have no actual differences.

So FARC agrees that it will not try to overthrow the Israeli state and Israel agrees that it will not interfere in the Central American drug trafficking and kidnapping business etc, they sign a mutual non-agression and free trade pact and become best mates.

After the first round, lots are drawn again until every team has negotiated with six other teams, each time shaking hands and getting on famously.

In the final round, a few days later once everybody is nice and relaxed and in a conciliatory mood, negotiating teams sit down with their original opponents.

With a bit of luck, in the final round, they'll be so caught up in the mood that they will actually kiss, compromise and make up.

Oh sod it, I'll say it.

Mossad 1; Hamas 0

Yup. That'll fix it.

UN tells Israel and Hamas: Just stop now

"But that's not fair! They started it!"

"No, you did!"

"No, you did!"

Continued page 94.

Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.

From The Onion of early 2007:

MIDDLE EAST—With the Iraq war in its fifth year, the war in Afghanistan in its sixth, and conflict between Israel and the rest of the region continuing unabated for more than half a century, intelligence sources are warning that a new wave of violence in the Middle East may soon blah blah blah, etc. etc., you know the rest...

In Israel, Palestinians and Israelis escalated tensions and so on and so on ad infinitum, ad eternum, and some say, ad absurdum, and although Hamas released a statement condemning Israeli forces for the resulting civilian deaths, Israeli officials say the teens were armed with rocket launchers, though it doesn't really matter.

Also, Ahmadinejad, Iran's nuclear program, bin Laden at large, Moqtada al-Sadr, Moqtada al-Sadr's militia, Fallujah, renegade mullahs, embedded and/or beheaded journalists, oil revenues, stockpiles of former Soviet armaments, freedom, racism, Halliburton, women's role in Islamic society, the Quran, withdrawing troops, economic disparities, Sikhs, Pakistanis, oil, rebuilding, stories of hope, the Saudi royal family, the Holy Land, insurgents, and the tragedy of Sept 11th.

In an attempt to increase public support of whatever the fuck it is he thinks he's doing, President Bush trotted out the same old whoop-de-do you've heard over and over at a solemn-yet-resolute speech attended by soldiers, or religious leaders, or firemen, or some mix of ethnic-looking people from one of those countries.

"We have to give this plan time to wop bop a loo bop, a wop bam boom, ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang," President Bush may as well have said. "May God [help/bless/save] the United States of America."

Fun Online Poll Results: The Middle East Conflict

On a surprisingly high turnout of over two hundred votes in the last four days, the final results are:

All in all, my sympathies lie with ...

The Israelis - 64%
The Palestinians and Hamas - 12%
Neither. They're as bad as each other - 25%

I do not know whether people took this seriously - I admit to having wavered between "The Israelis" and "Neither. They are as bad as each other." - but assuming you did, this confirms my original suspicion that most people have made up their mind one way or another anyway, thus rendering the acres of newsprint and hours of TV footage with which we've been bombarded* over the past fortnight pretty pointless.

BTW, thanks to the 88% of you who don't sympathise with Hamas. A special commendation goes to Charlie B who said he sympathised primarily with the Czechs.

* Deliberately inappropriate choice of word? You decide!

Fun Online Poll: The Middle East Conflict

Acres and acres of newsprint and the 'blogosphere* have been devoted to discussing the current spat between Israel and the Palestinians/Hamas in the Gaza Strip. Not much of it adds to the debate because commentators have actually already made up their minds where their sympathies lie and are merely re-hashing existing prejudices.

So here's your chance to say 99% of what you have to say** in one mouse-click and get it over with (or use the widget in my side-bar).

* To the extent that the 'blogosphere can be measured in 'acres'.

** I voted "The Israelis", FWIW, to get the ball rolling.

Results

"Feud hurting Palestinian rights"

As some wit once said "Don't see this as a Middle Eastern crisis; see it as Middle Eastern culture."