Thursday, 4 September 2014

"E-cigarettes will lead to complete collapse of society"

From The Daily Mail:

E-cigarettes designed to help people quit smoking could act as a 'gateway' to addiction to illegal drugs, scientists have today warned. Like conventional cigarettes, the devices are said to raise the risk of addiction to banned substances including cannabis and cocaine.

Once users have become accustomed to purchasing banned substances, they will inevitably abandon their jobs, studies and families and become dealers themselves. This in turn will lead to an economic slump and an increase in gun-ownership and violent crime as well as more acquisitive crimes being committed by addicts to feed their habits.

Increased demand for cocaine will lead to mass deforestation in South America, with a knock-on effect for global warming, as drugs gangs clear swathes of the rain forest for coca plantations and millions of vulnerable children will fall prey to gangs of men who offer them drugs when luring them into a life of sex-slavery.

The research also found that as most terrorist organisations fund themselves by smuggling and selling weapons and drugs, they will become ever more powerful and wrest control of failing states, which will trigger small scale wars all over the globe which will eventually coalesce into a global struggle for survival.

Scientists concluded that taking that first puff on an e-cigarette is only the first step to being beheaded by Islamic militants or all-out nuclear warfare.

Writing in the New England Journal of Medicine, the married couple from Columbia University, New York, warned: "E-cigarettes will almost certainly lead to the end of the world as we know it and cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum and destroy the entire universe.

"Granted, that's a worse case scenario.

"The destruction might in fact be very localised, limited to merely our own galaxy."


proglodyte said...

The world's not been the same since they launched Nicorette gum...

LVD said...

Not to mention the England football team will underperform at the world cup, summers will be cold and wet, and cute puppies will die...

Mark Wadsworth said...

P, no, hence the recent spate of wars.

LVD, and that's just for starters.