"Teenagers who drink heavily and take drugs are 'more likely to have fun' in life"

From The Daily Mail:

Teenagers who drink excessively and take drugs can increase their chances of having a good time before the age of 65.

Researchers, who examined data from more than 488,000 young conscripts from 1969 to 1979, have identified nine factors which increase the chances of enjoying yourself.

These also include taking anti-psychotic drugs, having parents who turn a blind eye, going to clubs and concerts, being tall and/or good looking, being showered with affection while young and not worrying too much about tomorrow.

The study found absence of these factors accounted for most cases of young-onset depression (YOD) diagnosed before the age of 65.

Dr Peter Nordstrom of Umea University, in Sweden, said: '

"Young-onset depression that is, depression diagnosed before 65 years of age, has been related to genetic mutations in affected families. The identification of other risk factors could improve the understanding of this heterogeneous group of syndromes.

"Collectively, failure to indulge in any such hedonistic activities accounted for 68 per cent of the YOD cases identified."

Life Copies Satire

The Onion, 19 August 1997:

At the group's annual convention Sunday, members of the National Education Association called for the formation of a nationwide coalition of parents, teachers and political leaders to address a rapidly growing problem: the alarmingly low quality of teenage suicide notes across the U.S.

In the convention's keynote address, U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley said America must renew its commitment to grammar, spelling and writing skills, calling the marked improvement of teen suicide prose "the nation's number one educational priority."

"Not three days ago I met with the parents of a young man who chose to take his own life," Riley said. "I was shocked by what I saw: a note that read simply, 'Im gonna blo my head of.' This sort of syntax is understandable coming from a first- or second-grader, but from a 17-year-old it is downright appalling," Riley said. "What do you tell the parents in a situation like that? By all outward appearances, this seemed like a normal child. The poor parents had no idea their son's writing skills were that poor."

Daily Mail, 21 June 2012:

A school has apologised after a teenage boy was asked to produce a handwritten note in a writing class which his parents thought was a suicide letter.

Wesley Walker, 14, was told by teachers to imagine he only had a few days to live through terminal illness, and to write a letter which he should then take home to his parents.

But when the schoolboy produced the handwritten note which said he wanted to 'say goodbye' before disappearing to his bedroom, his mother thought he had become suicidal.

"Research suggests..."

The BBC have started using the fakecharity article template again:

1. Kick off by quoting a bit of research 'suggesting' something or other:

Teenage smoking rates in England have dropped since the legal age for buying cigarettes rose from 16 to 18, research by University College London suggests. Researchers surveyed more than 1,000 teenagers aged 16 and 17 before and after the age rise in October 2007.

Well duh. It's illegal now, so some 16 or 17 year olds who smoke will simply not admit it.

2. Get a few rent-a-quotes from an appropriate fakecharity:

Jenny Fidler, who led the study and is based at Cancer Research UK's health behaviour research centre at University College London, said: "The new law looks to have helped reduce smoking prevalence among younger age groups. This is good news for the future health of this generation of young people and shows that tobacco policies can make a real difference."

So the research wasn't biased or skewed to try and get a particular result, then?

Jean King, Cancer Research UK's director of tobacco control, said "We need to do more to protect young people. We urge the government to prevent more lives being lost to an addiction that will kill half of all long term smokers."

She said putting tobacco out of sight in shops and removing cigarette vending machines would be a good place to start.

3. Finally, the most important element, and its presence here is most worrying (this element had been missing over the past few months), is for a government spokesman to agree that 'more must be done".

A Department of Health spokesman said they were in discussions across government on how best to progress to tackle smoking.

He added: "We welcome these findings as nearly all adults who smoke get hooked when they are young. Smoking is the biggest preventable cause of death in England, causing over 80,000 premature deaths in England each year."