"Nothing like this ever happens in Tollesbury."

From The Metro:

Farage the runaway emu escaped its home to frolic in the snow in Essex. But he had his fun cut short when he was put in a headlock by a man and returned home. Shocked residents of Tollesbury noticed the flightless bird running around the streets at 11am yesterday before heading into the village graveyard.

Resident Matthew Devonport was ‘flabbergasted’ when he saw the drama on the way to the park with his child. He told Essex Live: ‘We came up to the churchyard and there was an emu there running through the gravestones, it was being chased round the churchyard by three men. ‘One of the men managed to get it in a head lock by its neck and he was took back home. It left a trail of feathers all around the churchyard.’

He added: ‘The lady owner was very grateful and shook the men’s hands. I was absolutely flabbergasted! Nothing like this ever happens in Tollesbury.’

Er... quite obviously, this is exactly the sort of thing that happens in Tollesbury.