Thursday, 5 September 2013

A nice piece of stereotyping

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.


ageing man said...

and the americans ?

let me just finish this hand of poker and then we'll decide ......

John Pickworth said...

Brilliant :-)

Oh and the American's are easy:

1. Sanctions/Embargo
2. Assassination
3. Invasion
4. A-bomb

Although these are usually linked to the price of gas rather than actual threats to their nation.

Bayard said...

I was going to say:

The US has raised its security level from "Regime change" to "Bomb them back to the stone age". There are two levels above this: "Send the Marines" and "Nuke'm". Standard operating procedure, meanwhile, will remain at "Shoot first and ask questions afterwards".

Rich Tee said...

Snopes says it wasn't written by John Cleese, and it doesn't look like his style to me.

It is, however, still quite entertaining.

Lola said...

How about for the US:-

It's none of our business; It's still none of our business; Look, we've told you it's not our business, but would you like to rent some ships and 'planes at a premium cost?; Oh Hell, we'll come and lend a hand after all; Nuts to this, just nuke the bastards...and we are not going home until Halliburton has got our money back.