Wednesday, 24 July 2013

"Alan Partridge finally puts Norwich on the map"

From ITV News:

The nation's cartographers were celebrating this evening after fictional DJ Alan Partridge finally put Norwich on the map.

Hitherto, larger scale maps indicated the approximate location of the semi-mythical settlement but it was absent from local maps. Ordnance Survey maps will now be hastily updated to show the town's precise location.

Norfolk Broads

TomTom and Garmin are expected to follow shortly.

A spokesman for the Highways Agency confirmed that they held a stockpile of road signs showing distances to Norwich of ten miles or less in a warehouse at an undisclosed location.

"After the Worboys Committee, we ordered all the signs necessary, but we only actually used the ones saying that Norwich was at least ten or fifteen miles away," he added.

Las Vegas showgirls

"We simply didn't know where to stick the ones saying 'Norwich 1 mile' or 'You are now entering Norwich'. So we cheated a bit and set them up so as to send drivers on a meaningless circuitous route between Lowestoft, Thetford and Cromer, in the vague hope that motorists would get bored after a few hours and go home again.

"So far, it seems to have worked."

Branches of McDonalds and Burger King in East Anglia are competing to offer their own take on the traditional 'spine in a bap' recipe as soon as their master chefs have made their way to Norwich and uncovered the secret recipe.


The insurance giant Aviva changed its name from "Norwich Union" four years ago after branding consultants convinced the board of directors that calling a company after a town which possibly did not even exist would make it look lightweight.

Sector analysts confirmed that a return to the old company name was thought likely. "But if they dropped 'Norwich' so that people took them seriously, why did they go for 'Aviva'? It sounds like some sort of women's product."

'Atomic' by Blondie

The Ministry of Defence refused to comment on rumours that a top-secret nuclear bunker had been built there in the 1950s on the basis that the Russians were hardly likely to bomb a place which they could not locate and were not even sure existed.

Their spokesman would only confirm that the 12" version was really good, because the B-side is a live version of 'Heroes' with Robert Fripp on guitar.

Highway to Hell

Printing salesman Martin Kirkby, 50, of Huddersfield reminisced:

"When I was younger and felt suicidal, I talked myself out of it by asking whether I wouldn't rather move to Norwich. Firstly because I'd be able to change my mind and move back home again.

"And secondly, because wherever I was and however bad things seemed, remaining alive seemed preferable.

"As to where Norwich is? I have Norfolking idea."


James Higham said...

Yes but do we want Norwich on the map?

Mark Wadsworth said...

JH, there might be people trapped in there who want to leave.

DBC Reed said...

I have tried to visit the centre of Norwich on several different occasions by car and have never actually found it. I had thought of parking the car at Wroxham station and going in by train. That way ,they could n't shilly shally about whether they have a town centre or not as they do now. Perhaps Lola would know as he is expert on this neck of the woods. ( I once saw a cabin cruiser/conference facility of unimaginable luxury moored up outside the Wroxham Hotel bearing the sign LOLA (Live Outdoors Live Afloat).Was that him in different guise?)

Mark Wadsworth said...

DBC, "I have tried to visit the centre of Norwich on several different occasions by car and have never actually found it."

Great news - you can now! Just give them a couple of weeks to put the signposts up.

DBC Reed said...

@MW There are signposts >to the City centre already but I think what happens is that the centre is so undistinguished you think you're still in the suburbs and come out the other side none the wiser.See images of Norwich Town Centre on Google. (Not being sure whether to call it a city centre or a town centre is symptomatic.)