"Dogs to be shot in Olympic stadium"

The Daily Mash does a potted history of the British Isles:

But the director has announced plans to turn the [Olympic opening ceremony] into a nightmarish, hallucinatory version of the British countryside.

The ceremony will begin with a tribe of woad-painted schoolchildren having the shit kicked out of them by a group of riot police dressed as Roman centurions. A series of endangered animals will then be slaughtered into extinction by members of The Grumbleweeds and a further set of schoolchildren beaten up, this time by officers of the armed forces dressed as medieval land barons.

Boyle said: "We’ll be encouraging spectators to bring their pet dogs to the stadium, where they will be blasted with a shotgun by a ruddy-faced bearded lunatic. That’s assuming anybody actually makes it to the games, as we’ll be blocking up every lane of traffic into the Olympic park with a flotilla of caravans and dangerous-looking farm equipment doing three miles an hour."