A JP Christmas Special: The Birth of Dave - Saviour of Mankind

I posted this on my own blog, however I'll do it here to spread the message to all that the Messiah is amongst us!

One day, about 2,000 hours ago, an angel named YouGov-brielle appeared to a young woman named Tory. YouGov-brielle told Tory she would have a son, Dave, who would be the Son of God, and who would win Tory and her party of friends great riches and power. Tory was confused and worried about this sudden news, but she had faith in God and said, "I am the Lord's servant; let it be as you say." She damn well had to say this, Ann Widdecombe was standing right next to her, staring with a face like a withering pineapple.

Tory and her husband-to-be, Hague, lived in a town called Westminster. But they had to travel to the City of London to register on the ID-Card register ordered by the evil emperor, Caesar Gordustus.

When Hague and Tory got to the City, there was no place for them to stay because the inn was already full of stockbrokers who's wives had kicked them out. They ended up spending the night in a bus shelter, a place where the oiks resided. There were fresh heroin needles on the floor that they used to manipulate the public's opinion on drugs.

That night, Dave was born. There was no crib, so they laid baby Dave in a manger, a feeding trough for animals. This trough was a replica of the one previously filled with the money of the taxpayer. The trough made a nice bed for Dave.

That night, some reporters were in the pubs near the City, keeping watch over their flocks of sheepish assistants. An angel appeared to them and gave them the good news that a Saviour, the Messiah, had been born. The angel told the reporters they could find Dave lying in a manger. Suddenly a whole group of angels appeared saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on every land on earth (except Afghanistan and Iraq) peace and goodwill toward men (and women - in fact, put them on some kind of short-list just to be extra equal)!"

The shepherds hurried into the City and found Dave in the manger, just as the angel had told them. After they had seen Dave, they spread the news, and everyone who heard was in awe. They would come to power once again!

Some time later, wise men, or 'voters', from other counties saw a star in the sky that signaled the birth of a new king. They came to Greater London, the region around Westminster and the City of London, to worship Dave, the new king.

A man named Boriso was the king of Greater London. He called the wise men voters to a meeting and told them to find the new king so he could go and worship him, too.

The wise men continued on to the City and followed the star until it was directly above the house where Dave was, just as the pencil would soon be directly above the Conservative box on the ballot paper, thought Tory. They found Tory and Dave (two different people, by the way) in the house and knelt down to worship Him. They brought Dave gifts of money, votes, and false hope, some of the finest things in London. Money was burned to make a sweet smell, like the smell of deceit.

After visiting Dave, the wise men had a dream that warned them not to go back to King Boriso, so they took a different route home.

Boriso lied when he told the wise men he wanted to worship Dave. He was afraid this new "king" would replace him as king of London. He did not understand that Dave would grow up to be king of God's spiritual United Kingdom, not king of London.

What Boriso really wanted was to find Dave and kill Him! Boriso was furious when he realised the wise voters had not come back to tell him where to find Dave. He sent his soldiers to the City to kill all the children under two years old, thinking Dave would certainly be one of the ones killed. However, being soldiers of Boriso, they got lost along the way and ended up in a brothel prentending that they were not eyeing up the female workers. "What ho good chaps", remarked Boriso on the issue, "what a boffo idea!"

But God had told Hague in a dream to flee to t'North. Hague took Tory and Dave to live in t'North where they would be safe from Boriso, who, let's face it, would probably be crushed by a manual worker should he venture any further north of Oxford. Hague, Tory and Dave stayed in t'North unsuccessfully developing a voter base until Boriso had died (well, retreated to a corner mumbling incoherent rabble), and then they returned to Westminster.

But no one lived happily ever after.