Monday, 6 June 2022

A very sensible woman

The Daily Mash ran another article about [people like] me:

A WOMAN carefully plans every car journey she makes around not having to do any right-hand turns. Emma Bradford also has a wide range of other non-negotiable driving policies including not going anywhere she might have to parallel park, avoiding the motorway and not driving in the dark.

Bradford’s husband Nathan said: “First it was not driving in heavy rain. Then it was avoiding any towns in rush hour. Now she won’t go anywhere if she can’t evaluate the size of the car park on Google Maps first. Basically, if she can only turn left the whole way, never have to reverse, not have to do a hill start and be guaranteed a space with no other vehicles parked within ten metres, she’s totally fine.”


That pretty much sums up my policies, apart from not using the motorway (they are easy and fun) or hill starts (no fun, but easy enough). Why is that deserving of satire?

18 comments:

A K Haart said...

I knew a chap who planned all of his car journeys to avoid right-hand turns, including his daily commute.

Now we are retired, we avoid driving in heavy rain, driving during the rush hour and driving in the dark simply because we usually can. For the same reason we avoid places with tight car parking because we can. These things don't bother us unduly, but we can usually avoid them so we do.

DCBain said...

AKH: "we avoid places with tight car parking"
You'll be lucky! I've come to the conclusion that car parks are designed and marked out by people who don't drive.


Doonhamer said...

Ordinary cars have got fatter and their shape and window sizes make it hard to know where the extremities are.
Also more people are buying larger vehicles - MPVs, SUVs, 4 x 4s, pick-ups. The car parks were fine for Cortinas, Mk3 Jaguars, Rovers. Vauxhall Crestas - all big cars of their day. But now even a Mini is a bloated beast without the benefit of more internal space.I
The most relaxing car to drive is beat up older car. Maybe a Defender or Volvo. Nobody dares come near you. And you do not worry about another ding.

Andrew Carey said...

My middle-aged fun is parking in tight spaces. As I can still swing my legs over the gear stick I enjoy parking in the oppo direction and tight to a far wider vehicle grazing the white line, and then getting out the passenger side.
Won't find this amusing in 15 years time, no doubt, but while you can swing it then bring it.

James Higham said...

The lady seems wise to me. It's not unlike the clipper ships using the trade winds in one direction, no backtracking.

Lola said...

Errr.

Some of my favourite driving weather is late at night in the rain, especially on give and take roads.

Parallel parking and being ace at parking in general is also a game I enjoy. At work I have the largest car and the smallest space - and I'm The Boss.

But like any sensible person I do try and ensure that I do not commute in the rush hour. My people have a standing order. "Never come into work and moan about the traffic (on normal days, e.g. no roadworks). Come in early or come in late and go early or work a bit later, but do not moan).

Other great driving things are driving in the snow or on icy roads. Even fog is OK-ish.

So I'm probably not normal (as Mrs L would confirm). She yelled at me once when she was driving me and I mildly suggested a slightly different approach to some minor hazard or other - "Oh it's all right for you! You were born to drive!!"

Mark Wadsworth said...

AKH, ta.

DCB, there are badly laid out car parks, and there are roads or streets which were laid out pre-car and since then it's an endless bodge.

Dh, when I'm in charge, car tax will be based on car width. Fiat 500 or narrower = exempt. Big fat Range Rover = £2,000 a year. Agreed on old cars.

AC, everything is easy if you're good at it.

JH, exactly.

L, no, you're not normal. Like most people, I think I drive carefully (and like most people, I'm probably wrong) but there is no point tempting fate. Just because I am driving sub-skid speed doesn't mean some arsehole won't be.

Mark Wadsworth said...

L, or will be. I think I got bogged down in a double-negative there.

Lola said...

True. Always treat every other driver as a bloody fool my old dad used to say. But that does not stop me liking the challenge of driving on difficult conditions. Of course it helps that I run 4WD vehicle on all season tyres so I'm equipped.

On the cars getting fatter, that's true. A modern 'super mini' like a Fiesta is about the same size as a MK1 Cortina - a mid size car for its time. And the modern Mini is HUGE.

Lola said...

This thread has got me thinking about this.

I stand by my previous comments and I should add that I do not like driving fast on the public roads. The trick to good journey times IMHO is smoothness and anticipation. That is trying never to come to a total stop and keeping momentum. You also need to be keeping space all around you where possible and to co-operate with other road users - easing back so someone can turn right in front of you so releasing the queue building up behind them for example.

Do any of you drive routes you know well and try and miss bumps and potholes etc?

Mark Wadsworth said...

L, yes, agreed to all of that. My view is, either they haven't seen me or they are actually trying to kill me. If in doubt, back down.

I know the potholes on my favourite routes off by heart.

Bayard said...

L, I once arrived at the family farm in a borrowed car. "I knew it was one of you (his sons)" my father said in greeting. "How did you know?" I asked. "No one else knows where all the potholes are" came the reply.

Lola said...

On the 'driving fast on public roads' bit I think I should confess that when a very much younger man I built a car with an LSD and an hydraulic handbrake for social, domestic, pleasure and commuting use, and auto-testing. The thing weighed about 480 kg and had about 90 bhp. The issue was that rather than do three point turns or any similar tedious maneuver it was a whole lot easier to spin it round on the handbrake and the LSD. I decided that that was not a good idea and bought a Marina Estate....

Worryingly - at my age 70 - it's now largely rebuilt and will be on the road again soon-ish, still with the LSD and hydraulic handbrake....:-)

Mark Wadsworth said...

L, come on! Do a post with a photo and all the gloriously arcane details, down to the aluminium bolts you used to shave off half an ounce...

Lola said...

MW. Really? I didn't think anyone would be interested. Sort of showing off. But if you're serious...?

Mark Wadsworth said...

L, yes, I for one am fascinated.

Bayard said...

I'll second that.

Lola said...

MW B OK. I'll put something together.