“Bring out your dead. And burn them sustainably.”

I had assumed that some things are beyond satire. James Barlow (via the comments to that post) illustrates that this is not the case. From his Cabinet Review June 2010 #2:
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ABATEMENT OF MERCURY EMISSIONS FROM CREMATORIA

Notwithstanding all the previous reports about the absence of money, this report proposes to spend the best part of £2m on technology to reduce mercury emissions from Bristol’s crematoria by 50%. This is because:

“Government has set a target for Crematoriums [sic] to abate mercury emissions by 50% before 31 December 2012”

In this context, Government means the European Commission (see Directive 2008/1/EC for the rubber stamp from Parliament), rather than the toy parliament in Westminster. Rather oddly, throughout this document there is never any discussion of real physical quantities of mercury; just the same mantra of “a reduction of 50%”.

A typical stiff contain 0.9 grams of mercury (http://bit.ly/9ubWuc). 75% of stiffs in the UK are cremated (http://bit.ly/9DTtlo), and the UK’s crude death rate 10.02 deaths per thousand population (http://bit.ly/cWumOe). Thus Bristol, with a population of maybe 500,000 [including some Wiltshire and Somerset stiffs], probably produces something like 4kg of mercury a year. So £2m cuts that to maybe 2kg?

Decision: Cabinet is asked to instantly forget the previous three reports and approve nearly £2m for replacement of the existing cremators (2 wide and 1 standard) complete with mercury abatement equipment at South Bristol Crematorium, to abate about as [much] mercury annually as would fit in a sphere 14 inches in diameter (bit bigger than a standard football).*

Barlow’s view: Well if it was based on law out of Westminster, we might have some wiggle room. But since it’s European law, we’re stuffed.
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* 4 kilos seems about right - 500,000 x 10/1,000 x 75% cremated x 0.9 grams = 3,375 grams (or 'grammes' or whatever they are called nowadays), so the saving would be half that, or 1,688 grams.

But mercury is 13.593 times heavier than water, which weighs 1 gram per cubic centimetre, so 1,688 grams of mercury takes up as much space as 124 grams of water, or 124 cubic centimetres = a cube with a side length of 5 cm.

Or, if we want to express that in terms of a sphere, using the formula V = 4/3 π r³, 124 cubic centimetres is a sphere with a radius of 3.1 centimetres = a diameter of 6.2 centimetres = slightly smaller than a tennis ball (to stay with the sporting theme).