"There was no UKIP candidate, so I voted Green"

Our local UKIP branch chairman recently reminded me that there was going to be a Parish council by-election in my ward, but I assumed that he was going to sort out the paperwork and he assumed that I would. Suffice to say, I didn't get my name on the ballot paper.

I was doing my pre-Xmas tidy today, which consists mainly of opening unsolicited mail and chucking it in the recycling when I stumbled across the voting cards for me and the Mrs.

Oh dear, I thought, I even forgot to vote! But lo and behold, the election was being held today, so en route to somewhere else this evening, I fulfilled my democratic duty. I lit up my usual rollie on the way, which usually lasts me from my front door to the train station. The polling station is half way between my house and the train station, so I politely asked the two gentlemen sitting outside (the ones with the rosettes sitting on plastic chairs who ask for your voting card on the way out) whether there was an ash tray handy for me to park it.

I'm afraid not, replied the younger of the two, but I can hold it for you. Result. The chap behind the desk handed me my ballot paper and solemnly informed me that I could cast no more than two votes. Once at the polling booth (about two paces away from the desk and not even curtained off) I looked at the ballot paper and established that there were only three candidates on the paper - two Conservatives and one Green Party. Short of spoiling my ballot paper, this left me with little choice.

On the way out, I was duly assailed by the two gentlemen on plastic chairs, who went through the usual routine. I merrily handed over my voting card and answered their question. The younger man with the blue rosette gave me a sour look and handed back my rollie. The older man with the green rosette was slightly taken aback but said 'Thank you' anyway.